Lewis Breed: “I wouldn’t be the bodybuilder I am today without my wife”

IFBB Pro bodybuilder Lewis Breed opened up in an exclusive FrontDouble interview about his training, mindset and the support system behind his career.

By Gary Chappell

LEWIS BREED might be facing a "slow road to recovery" after being injured in a head-on car crash but he certainly had all his cards aligned prior to the setback.

Two weeks before the smash, Breed had given an exclusive interview to frontdouble.com, in which he discussed his competitive plans as he targeted Mr Olympia qualification. The China and Portugal Open both featured heavily. Breed revealed how he needed to "pick shows with the right judges". He also spoke about how he is not the bodybuilder he is today without the support of his wife, Holly.

It remains to be seen how the season pans out for Breed, who suffered a fractured hand, internal bleeding and who required an operation on his coccyx. But he was certainly on course to deliver a new standard of physique this year, as he explained his massive caloric needs, his method of slowing down his metabolism during prep and his bid to mobilise his physique more in order to open up his chest and back during posing.

This week he published a heartfelt message to fans on social media in the wake of his crash. He said: "I have had hundreds messages from you guys wishing me well through what has been a rough few days. There was a head-on collision, both cars are written off, both drivers are injured but we will both make a full recovery.

"I have fractured my hand in a couple of places. And there is some internal bleeding which still needs to be resolved. So I have a CT scan for that. And I'm most likely going to have an operation on my coccyx, another issue that has arisen through the trauma of the crash.

"So once I get that out of the way, fingers crossed I can then start the slow road to recovery. It's not just been tough physically the last few days but definitely mentally. Knowing my plans have changed in terms of competing. Knowing I'm not going to be able to train in the way that I normally would. So I've got to shift my mindset now to just focusing on rest and recovery and recovering as quickly and efficiently but as safely as possible.

"A big thank you to all you guys in the bodybuilding and fitness community. That's why I love it so much because times like this I've had so many messages from fans, fellow athletes, friends all around the world wishing me their best. And that's what I love about this community. In times of need those messages have really meant a lot. I hope they'll continue to keep me focused and keep me driven and keep me positive for what's going to be a slow road to recovery. But I will try and document it and keep you guys informed as I move forward. But I wanted to just say thank you to each and every one of you that has reached out."

Lewis Breed on training and progress

As mentioned, two weeks prior to this crash, Breed had given an exclusive interview to frontdouble.com about his plans for the new season. He had posted on social media an incredible five-year transformation picture. It showed how he had added 40lbs to his 5ft 6in frame. Catching up at the opening 2Bros show of the season, the Condition Coaches Cup, Breed said: "It [the transformation] was kind of since turning pro.

"When you're in the amateur league and you're sort of the top end, when you jump from being an amateur to a pro, it's a whole different ball game. I stepped on stage for my pro debut and knew where I was, but knew where I needed to be. And I'm a man that's like, I don't miss a meal, I don't miss a workout. Haven't done for about 15 years. I'm that sort of old-school, chicken and rice, train hard, chicken and rice, train hard person.

"The biggest difference is that extra one per cent. Everything else in between, which I've never really delved into. Making sure I'm optimising my recovery, making sure my health is at its absolute best. Because if the body's healthy, the body's going to respond, the body's going to recover better, the body's going to work better. So all those little things, making sure my health is on point, making sure my recovery is on point, making sure my sleep is adequate, all those things. I've always trained well and I've always trained very fucking hard. Sometimes I would train so hard but then not recover enough. And I can't not train that way. I'm not going to do a deload, or take it easy, only training 70 per cent. That's not me and that's not what I enjoy.

"So if I'm training at 100 per cent every single workout, I need to go, 'right, hold on a minute, what am I doing in between that to make sure my body's rested, make sure my body's recovered'?"

Breed went on to explain how he only trains for a short time but the intensity remains high. He explained: "I only train for an hour and I train for two days then take a rest day. I'm not in the gym five, six days a week. And I'm not in the gym for two, three hours at a time. But the intensity in which I train at, you couldn't train longer than an hour. Anybody who says they train for two to three hours, the intensity's not there, sorry.

"And in this day and age, because we have the powers of social media and the powers of all these sort of influencers, they're so obsessed with being optimal. But they forget about the most important thing, which is effort and intensity. That's got to be number one. And my effort and intensity has always been at the top level. But if I'm honest, it's in between where I lacked. Making sure I was resting enough, making sure I was doing enough to make sure I'm recovered for my next session. And that's the biggest difference in the last five years and why I've managed to put on that amount of muscle in that time."

And with Breed's crazy metabolism, that is no easy task. He notoriously diets on 6,000 calories. And the off-season would be almost double that, which presents a whole host of issues. He said: "In an off season, it's not unusual for me to hit 10,000 calories. The thing is, I have a lot of issues with my gut. I am lactose intolerant. I don't get on well with wheat. So I don't get on well with gluten. I have to be very specific in my nutrition, so it is very basic. It's gluten-free oats, jasmine rice and then I have chicken, steak. And you can make up your calories through things like carb drinks, cyclic dextrin, nut butters, olive oils. But we're at the stage now where I've needed to consume so much food in order to grow, that one of the downsides is midsection control.

"When you're consuming vast amounts of food, naturally you get bloated. And if you do that consistently, the midsection is going to expand. So we put on a lot of muscle. I'm five foot six and I sit about 250 on stage. But a thing that we've got to be aware of now is, because I've got a lot of muscle on my frame and I eat a vast amount of food, my midsection control. So for example, when I dieted last year for a competition, my calories were no lower than 6,000, right the way up to a show.

"So in prep we actually do the opposite [of everyone else]. What we try to do is almost slow my metabolism. We don't want to have to eat so much food. When you get into a prep, people start utilising things like T3, T4, all those things. We keep that out for as long as possible because as soon as we do that, my body goes into overdrive. Then I need more food, which most people think is great. But when you're trying to control your midsection, we don't want more food. So I'm sort of an exception to the rule.

"Don't get me wrong, I still need a lot of food. But we actually try to force my metabolism to slow down to make it a little less stressful on my GI, less stressful on my gut so I can control my midsection better. I can pose better. So that's quite unusual. It's a bit against the grain, but my metabolism is just on fire 24-7.

"People think you're lucky you get to diet on 6,000 calories – but I'm still in the deficit, aren't I? I'm still hungry at that level. I have a big appetite, but even on 6,000 calories, I'm in a deficit. You're still down to sub five per cent body fat, so naturally you're fatigued, you're tired. But it's trying to balance food consumption alongside the training performance, alongside the conditioning. And I've worked with Martin Winston, my coach, for quite some time."

Support and personal life

Winston is not the only person to have valuable input. Breed's wife, Holly, is a huge influence and Breed paid tribute to the role she plays in his bodybuilding career.

My wife has a massive input," he said. "She's more invested in the sport than I am. She invests all of her time, all of her effort, researching everything that I need to be done. I am the bodybuilder I am today – I have gone from amateur, to pro, to top 10, to top six, to top three, because of my wife. Because she's so invested. Every single time I'm on stage, she analyses it. She speaks to the judges and says, 'they said this, this and this'. And we'll spend hours going, 'right, you need to do this, this is how we do it, this is how you apply this etc'. She books all my appointments, she books all my treatments. She tells me where I'm going, what I'm doing.

"My sponsors are enough to support both of us. She does do a little bit of work. She's also a photographer and does some bits on the side. But she hasn't got to commit to a nine to five. When I'm away, she has to also juggle the kids – and between us, we have six. So she does do a bit of work, but thankfully she hasn't got to juggle a nine to five and the kids and me – because we're just big babies as bodybuilders at the end of the day."

As a family man too, Breed admits time away from the kids while competing can be tough. But again it is his wife who steps up to the plate. Breed said: "I struggle massively with being away from family. It's my wife that reassures me. She's like, 'if you were in the forces, if you were in the Navy, you'd be away for months on end'. But kids are resilient. Whether you're away for a week or a month, they don't really understand. You give them a PlayStation or a chocolate bar and they don't care where dad is. So they're quite resilient. We miss them more than they will miss us. And that's what my wife reiterates to me.

"And we also understand that you have a shelf life in this sport. I want to be one of the best in this sport and I do know that I've only got so many years to apply myself. I'm 36 now. But I always said once I hit 40, then I've got to look at, 'okay, am I going to retire'?

"So I need to make a statement now, not just for my own personal goals, but for the future. If I can make a statement and build a name within the sport now, when I do retire, I can still use that name to take it into different avenues within the sport. So that's why I'm applying myself now. Being away from the children for a couple of weeks here or there is all to benefit us as a family. Not just achieving my own personal goals but being able to support them."

Breed had not long started prep when this interview was held. He discussed his plans for two shows in his bid to qualify for the Mr Olympia – the China Open and one in Portugal. Following his car crash, these plans are now in disarray and will depend largely on how quickly he manages to recover.

But he offered an interesting insight into his thought process coming into this competitive season.

Breed said: "We've done the American shows the last couple of years and I do well at those. I'm always placed inside that top five. But we're going to be a little bit more tactical because, once you get to that level, you've got to pick your show. Especially in open bodybuilding. There are only 19 qualifications for the Olympia. Men's physique and Classic, there's like 50. So only 19 people a year are going to qualify for the open Olympia. So you've got to think, 'right, who's going to be at that show'? If you've got two top six Olympians at one show, you're not going to do that one. So you've got to be a little bit more strategic in the shows you pick.

"And not only that, with the judging panel as well, because different judges prefer a different look. I know the look I bring, I have that sort of gnarly, muscular, grainy sort of look. I am not blessed with amazing structure and symmetry. I'm just raw muscle with good condition. And certain judges like that, certain judges don't. So again you have to look at the judging panel. I've got a couple of judges, who I know have placed me well. And you look at the other shows they do, they place guys with similar types of physique well. So you know they like that look. You've got to pick the shows that will suit your physique."

What’s next for Lewis Breed

Breed was also asked what he believes will be the main difference between the bodybuilder who stepped on stage last season and this one. He explained: "We all take feedback from the judges in order to improve. There are areas I need to work on physique wise. But a lot of the issue with me is actually mobility and opening up. So in my back, specifically my back double bicep. I've got a lot of muscle in my back, but I can't quite showcase it well. Same with my chest. I'm sort of very tight to my chest. I can't open up the shots.

"So what I have is my physical therapist and my yoga instructor who has a background in biomechanics. We work together as a three to develop a program that allows me to stretch, mobilise and open up the muscle. I need a little bit more back width. And I'm not quite able to open everything up because I'm so tight through the mid-back.

"I know I can show more. Because even when I hit the pose, I'm like, there's more, but I'm just not able to quite show it. So that's why all the mobility work, all the stretching, really emphasising on my posing. I do this with my wife, alongside the mobility work to really open up and showcase everything that I have. It's just a case of showcasing it to the best of my ability to give me that edge, to take me from third or fourth, which I got last year, into first."

Frontdouble.com wishes Lewis Breed a speedy recovery.

SEE LEWIS BREED'S ATHLETE PROFILE HERE

Nick Elliott: Bodybuilder Profile

Nick Elliott is one of the UK’s most promising bodybuilders, with his sights firmly set on earning IFBB Pro League status.

WHEN Nick Elliott was just a lad all he dreamt of was becoming a professional footballer. And until the age of 15 he was bang on track.

Pain in his ankles spoiled his enjoyment of the beautiful game and cut short his promising career. But fast forward 18 years and he is now bang on track to becoming a professional bodybuilder.

With a thick, dense, muscular physique, Elliott's 5ft 7in frame came close to doing just that in 2024. Few would doubt him achieving IFBB Pro League status this year.

From football to bodybuilding

His sporting journey appeared to earmark him for success from early on. As a boy, Elliott was signed by Bradford City's academy and he had high hopes of rubbing shoulders with the sport's footballing elite.

Picture: Anthony Chia-Bradley

"I spent most of my football career at Bradford City academy," he said. "I was picked up from a young age. I had offers from a few big teams but the logistics were too difficult to travel there multiple times a week, so we [me and my family] opted for Bradford City.

"But I was about 15 when I was released, then went to play for Guiseley, then Bradford Park Avenue. By then I'd decided I didn’t enjoy it any more and gave it up – I suffered badly with tendinitis in my ankles and a lot of the time I couldn’t last a full game. That contributed massively towards ending my football career."

By the age of 22, however, Elliott had found bodybuilding.

Picture: Anthony Chia-Bradley

Training style and philosophy

He said: "When I first started training, I followed the trend of high volume, high frequency. But after attending a Dorian Yates seminar, I soon figured this wasn’t the way to go for me.

"Dorian said to me personally, 'try my methods and watch how strong you get'. I immediately implanted his plan – and never looked back."

One look at Elliott's physique and you can tell he is a no-nonsense lifter; a strong bodybuilder with a focus on compound exercises. He is also not one to chop and change his routine to follow the latest social media trend.

"All my progress has come from training HIT style, four times per week," he says. "I’m a big believer of mastering the basics and not for all this new-school scientific training approach.

Picture: Anthony Chia-Bradley

"My advice is to get strong at the hard stuff. Once you have acquired the muscle mass, then of course you can get away with some isolation work of specific body parts. But my workout plan hasn’t really changed in the last five years.

"I would advise all the up and coming aspiring bodybuilders to avoid all the rubbish you see on Instagram and just get strong at the basics. Progress your lifts, whether it’s an extra rep, more control, or extra weight and watch how fast you grow when you train to true failure.

"It really is as simple as 'train hard, eat in a surplus of calories, minimal supplementation, adequate rest'. And you will grow.

Picture: Anthony Chia-Bradley

"You should be getting that anxious, nervous feeling before every training session, knowing you have to go in and aim to beat your lifts from the week before. If you go in with no structure, full of excuses why you can’t do the hard exercises, your progress is going to be minimal in comparison.

"Regarding training, I’ve always done a typical bro split and never fallen for the new style of push, pull, legs."

Nick Elliott training split

Monday: Chest and shoulders

Tuesday: Back and calves

Thursday: Arms and calves

Friday: Legs

Picture: Anthony Chia-Bradley

Nick Elliott's typical back routine

Three sets of pull ups to failure

Two working sets of Barbell rows

Two working sets of Dorian deadlifts

Two working sets close grip seated low row

Two working sets Dumbbell rows

Two working sets single-arm hammer rows

Picture: Anthony Chia-Bradley

He added: "I also don’t have your typical textbook-bodybuilder approach to diet in the off-season. I’m very relaxed, eat a variety of different foods, eat off-plan meals whenever I want. I believe you’ve got to enjoy the process, or you won’t last.

"Come contest prep I will be on it, but off-season I’m not scared to eat a pizza or burger post workout."

Competition results and future goals

In his last competition, the William Bonac Classic in Holland in December, many people thought Elliott had been unfairly treated. He finished third in the heavyweight division, despite looking better than the winner, who was awarded his pro card.

Picture: Anthony Chia-Bradley

But after a much-needed break and off-season, Elliott will return to the stage at the 2Bros British Finals in October. Few would bet against him achieving pro status in his home city of Bradford.

He said: "I’ve had a long five-week break from the gym and diet after my last showing in the Netherlands.

"I will be looking to compete in the 2Bros British Finals in Bradford October, my home town. So it will be typical if I win there after travelling all round Europe and not being successful."

All pictures by Anthony Chia-Bradley. You can visit his website here.

Neil Andrews: From heart failure to bodybuilding comeback'

Bodybuilder Neil Andrews suffered life-threatening heart failure after a routine dental procedure, in a case that highlights the hidden health risks athletes can face.

By Gary Chappell

HOLDING his mobile phone in front of him, Neil Andrews fought back the tears as he tentatively pressed record.

He was making a video for his then 12-year-old daughter to tell her he was in heart failure due to endocarditis and that it was unlikely he would survive emergency surgery.

The reason she never got to watch it is one of the most incredible stories you are likely to hear.

Fast forward two years and this month Andrews will be trying to win the PCA British Championships. He will be shredded to the bone and in perhaps the best physical shape of his life.

It is a turnaround like no other. but his journey continues to be paved with danger.

How a dental procedure led to heart failure

When Andrews cut his forearm while shaving body hair for a competition this year, the nick caused by the blade did not stop bleeding for a week. But that is what happens when you need to take 15mg of the blood-thinning drug Warfarin every day, to ensure the £14,000 mechanical heart valve that is keeping you alive does not fail due to clots forming.

All this and more because two years previous he had made a visit to the dentist for a routine scale and polish.

The story in between those two dates from March 2022 to September 2024 has been well documented but remains astonishing.

It includes having a wire stitched into the lining of his heart pulled down through his body and out of his abdomen. "It felt like I was being gutted like a fish," said Andrews. "I was screaming in pain."

And it included being told by a doctor that his heart valve had been eaten away by oral bacteria that had entered his blood stream from his gum and that he had already defied logic by still being alive.

"A few weeks after I came out of hospital, the dentist rang me," explains Andrews. "They said, 'Hi Neil, we heard about what happened to you. You have another dentist appointment next week, are you able to make it'?

There was no case to answer

"I explored my options about suing them but it seems there was no case to answer."

Within hours of that dental appointment, bacteria had already gushed into Andrews' bloodstream via a cut in his gum and was on its way to causing heart failure.

No case to answer.

He was forced to spend most of his three months in hospital alone because of rules by the Government surrounding the inflated risk of Covid, which has a survival rate of 99.97 per cent. He was all alone in his hospital bed when being told to "get your affairs in order".

No case to answer.

After being referred to hospital by his GP following bouts of shivering and breathlessness, Andrews was initially sent home with paracetamol. This after having several scans and three attempts at a lumbar puncture that showed nothing untoward, let alone any indication of heart failure.

He said: "It takes me about 15 minutes to get home from the hospital. As soon as I got in I received a phone call from them. They said, 'you need to come back right away, we have found bacteria in your blood'.

At this stage there was still uncertainty from the doctors about what the specific issue was and still no indication of heart failure. "They did an echocardiogram [a medical imaging technique using ultrasound to create a picture of the heart]. And found vegetation the size of your thumb growing on my heart valve.

"By this point I was in ITU [Intensive Therapy Unit] being pumped with fentanyl and morphine."

Get your affairs in order, you may not survive surgery

He continued: "That evening, I had seven doctors at the end of my bed. One of them said: "Look, we do not know how you are alive. You've been in acute heart failure for two weeks. Probably because you are a bodybuilder, you are more fit and stronger than most. But you need urgent surgery to fit a mechanical heart valve as yours has been eaten away. We need to do something in the next eight hours or you're not going to be here. My advice is to get your affairs in order now.

"I broke down several times. All the way down to surgery the next morning I just kept thinking, 'well, this is it then'. I had no idea whether I going to wake up."

Andrews had his sternum sawed through and his chest cracked wide open in order for the surgery on his heart to begin.

"They collapsed both of my lungs and had to push them out of the way. Then they filled my heart with potassium and stopped it from beating. Then I was put on a bypass machine."

LIFE SAVERS: Andrews with his surgeon Mr Ziadi (centre) and one of the nurses at Morriston Hospital

Surgery to clear the valve and fit a mechanical one took six hours. He was put into an induced coma in which he stayed for roughly two days.

"When I came round the first thing I thought was – 'Oh my God, I'm alive'.

Cue another outpouring of sheer emotion. Tears cascading down his cheeks and on to his heavily bruised and swollen chest, his body peppered with wires and tubes.

I was suffering from anxiety and having hallucinations

At this stage, the light of recovery seemed so dim at the end of the tunnel it was almost non-existent. "I couldn't sleep because I couldn't lie in the hospital bed," he says. "I had to sit in the chair next to the bed and was so sleep deprived I ended up hallucinating.

"At one point I could see my father offering me a cup of tea. And there I was reaching out to take it and of course no one was there. I was having bad anxiety because there was just so much going on that I wasn't used to."

Andrews had a PICC [peripherally inserted central catheter] in his bicep. This connected to his heart in order to administer antibiotics. These were given every four hours for three months.

He was a shell of his former self. Twenty kilograms of weight had fallen off his 5ft 11in frame. He could barely walk a few feet without needing oxygen.

Three days after surgery he was wheeled down to the hospital's main entrance to a coffee shop. Here, he finally embraced his father. Andrews says: "I was crying my eyes out again. I can't remember how many times I did that.

"It was here when I was told that, when they put the tube down my throat during surgery, I aspirated everywhere. This means water came spilling out. I had two litres of water in my lungs. Normally when that happens the patient does not survive."

How Andrews defied the odds remains a mystery. But his outlook on life now has changed.

I thought I'd never return to bodybuilding after heart failure

"At one point I did think that was it for bodybuilding," he says. "And certainly no more anabolic steroid use. But eventually you realise you do want to get back into it. Although I never use much anabolic steroids any more, not that I ever did.

"I only use 200mg of testosterone cypionate – and it is pharmaceutical grade. I will never use any UGL [underground labs] because it is not sterile. You do not know how or where it is made. And for me, I cannot take that risk of having another bacterial infection.

"When I got out of hospital I was told no upper body training for three months. I wasn't even allowed to carry the shopping or drive a car. I was back in the gym when I could, though, just to do hamstrings and quads. When I began upper training, I could not even lift 2.5kg for a side lateral raise."

Considering his story, it is amazing how, even at 44 years old, Andrews became overall champion at the 2Bros RL Coaching Cup. And he did it with one of the most conditioned physiques they had seen in a long time.

"I know exactly how to peak my body," says Andrews. "Next I will be doing the PCA Staffordshire on October 13, then the PCA British Finals on the 20th. I have never won a British title and that is the one I want. My son is due to born about a week later."

How fitting would it be if that healthy and thriving baby boy came into the world, opened his eyes and looked up at his dad as a British champion...

... and one hell of a fighter.

*Neil Andrews is sponsored by Strom and the original interview he did with Rick Foster can be listened to by clicking here.

Bodybuilding and heart health: A serious warning for competitors

Todd Payette: The Story Behind the Bodybuilder

Bodybuilder Todd Payette continues his deeply personal story in Shoulder Down, revealing the trauma and experiences that shaped his life long before stepping on stage.

By Gary Chappell

ON Saturday frontdouble.com published the first of its serialisation of Todd Payette's book 'Shoulder Down'. Canadian Payette, 55, is now just four days out from the NABBA World Championships in Linz, Austria. Shoulder Down is like no other. Charting his life from a boy aged five, when he found his dad dead in the car, through a brutal upbringing and his current success.

Here, frontdouble.com continues its serialisation of Shoulder Down, after Saturday's instalment when we learned how a five-year-old Payette had found his dad one morning, slumped over the steering wheel of their Pontiac, having killed himself overnight.

A childhood shaped by trauma and identity

"I suppose in the long run knowing the truth is better than living your life with false realities. In this case, finding out the truth about my dad only confused me further about who I was.

"It was probably not much more than a year after my dad took his life that my mother started "seeing" someone. I still remember meeting "Neil" for the first time at my mum's pre-game meeting she held with us before he arrived. We were not to bug him and so on and that we better listen to her while he was visiting.

"Enter Neil. He was a big man, close to six feet tall and a solid 190lbs. Compared to my dad, he was massive. Andy [my dad] was only about five foot nine and 150lbs at the very most and that's being generous. Neil had a deep voice and I was pretty much in awe of him right away. Being kids and curious, we asked all kinds of questions of him. I'm pretty sure I was the biggest pain and asked the most.

"His answers were never serious. When I asked him where he lived, his answer was "in a treehouse" and so forth. Never a straight answer.

I will never forget that backhand...

"Neil never spent the night, ever, nor did he make any effort to connect with any of us. Any conversations we had were pretty brief. He was pretty intimidating, not mean or anything. He just didn't pay much attention to us. The pattern of Neil visiting went on for years and he became part of the routine of our household. Only once did I cross him in any way. I was arguing with my mum about something stupid and he gave me a warning to listen. I don't know what got into me other than I was pretty mad and didn't have much respect for him as he had never acted like he gave a damn about any of us. So I told him I didn't have to listen to him.

"The backhand across the head told me otherwise and it sent me sailing. "Don't ever talk back to me, boy," was all he said. I would never forget that backhand.

"Not long after that incident, my mum said she wanted to talk to me. I was 11 years old at the time. She asked me to sit down, took a deep breath and said: "Todd, what do you think of Neil?

"I wasn't sure what she meant. He had barely acknowledged my existence. What was I supposed to think of him? "He's OK I guess," was all I could come up with.

"She continued: "I have to tell you something about your dad. Andy was not your father. Neil is your biological father. I had an affair and I became pregnant as a result with you. After you were born, Andy and I tried to work things out. We stayed together and Tina [younger sister] was born. So you have a dad. Neil is your dad.

"Stunned does not even come close to describing what I felt at that moment. Then I felt the anger welling up. I started screaming at my mum for the first time in my life. I didn't care if she beat me.

"This knowledge did one thing for me at that point in my life. It destroyed my reality.

"For the next little while, when Neil would visit, I tried to bond with him. I tried calling him dad. My mum had told him I knew the truth. This did not bring him any closer to me on any level. He was there to see my mum. He did not have any interest in me whatsoever.

I blame myself for my dad's death

As I tried to process everything, I came to my conclusions. I now blamed myself for Andy's death, feeling that me being the son of another man must have torn him apart. I was his only "son", after all, born on his birthday and I wasn't really his. Yet he treated me amazingly.

"It did not make sense. In my mind, it was the main reason he killed himself. I'm sure I played a part. I figured I must be pretty useless. My own father that I saw every week, would barely talk to me. He never did anything with me, never tried to be a dad, despite my constant asking to spend time with him. I had started to think that mum hated me as well; after all, I was an accident, a bastard. I wasn't supposed to even be there. This newfound knowledge that I was supposed to be happy about made me feel worse than ever."

"How much do you think you are worth?"

AS much as the black and white world of athletics made sense to me, in my personal life, the real world was a complete and total disaster. Many who knew me from the age of 13 to 20 may have described me as arrogant and possibly conceited. What I actually was is as far away from arrogant as you could be. Anything I showed on the outside was complete and total self-preservation. As I stated earlier, my mum is a hero to me, dealing with everything she did as well as she did.

"That being said, after the age of 12, she had no idea what to do with me. Much of that was me being male. I think she harboured a certain distrust for all males on some level. My mum was simply at a loss with me. She could not understand how my mind functioned and why boys did the stupid things they did.

"Add in that I was starting to rebel, had all kinds of anger issues and started to test her. This was a recipe for disaster. I started to steal from her and sometimes from my older sister. To this day I am ashamed of this. My mum was running out of options with me.

"She went to her doctor and told him everything that was going on with me and how she didn't think she could handle me any more. I remember a few weeks earlier, there had been a fight between us. We were screaming at each other, not sure over what. The doctor asked how old I was [16] and offered her a solution. That evening when I came home from school, my mum called me from her bedroom.

"She said: "You can't live here any more. You're 16 now and that means, legally, I do not have to look after you. You have to leave.

"Stunned best describes my feeling upon hearing those words and I felt a new low. I figured I had been right all along. My own mother hated me.

"She then asked me the worst question I have ever been asked in my life. "I'm going to give you some money. How much do you think you are worth?"

I didn't want to leave... I was fighting back anger and tears

"It took me a lot of years to forgive her for that moment. I'm not even sure she knows why she asked it. Why was she being so cruel? Maybe it was easier for her that way. She was making her only son leave after all because her doctor said it was a good idea. I told her I didn't want to leave. I was fighting back the anger and tears all at once.

"When do I have to go," I asked. "Tonight," she replied.

"She asked again, how much do you think you are worth. It hurt worse hearing it the second time. My answer gives a pretty good indication of where I was emotionally and what I thought of myself.

"Quietly I mumbled, "I don't know, 50 bucks?" I remember thinking, she will never give me 50 bucks.

"He response shocked me. "I am giving you two thousand dollars. It is everything I was saving to help you with college one day. So now pack your bag and go. Make the best of it."

"No 'goodbye' or 'I wish you luck'. Certainly no 'I love you'."

Follow frontdouble.com this coming week for more excerpts from Payette's brilliant book Shoulder Down, as we chart his epic journey to the NABBA world championship in Austria.

SHOULDER DOWN can be purchased by clicking HERE.

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